I threw a tantrum today because I wanted to buy a Nerf water gun. Yes.. I threw a threw a tantrum today when I was all alone. (Good grief, it was terrible. But easily controlled. Candy does the trick.)
I threw a tantrum with the grown-up side of me. I wanted the Nerf Super-Soaker so bad, that I stood there staring at it like a weird bespectacled stalker and sweet-talked the be-jebus out of it. (Yes, I tend talk to inanimate objects. I get very creepy around things I like. You should see me around books.)
And as I was reaching out towards that beautiful machine (Creator of wet t-shirt contests and water gun fights alike.) this tiny (Anal.) voiced asked me, POLITELY, to put back the gun, because I needed to start saving money. It even said please and thank you.
I don't know when the schizo side of me grew up. I always though she was 12 and would REMAIN 12 for eternity. (Okay maybe it's just another persona. I'm just trying to save face here.) I banked on the fact that even though I would age physically, I would forever remain a child. (Constantly supporting the idea of throwing a tantrum each time I didn't get what I wanted. Yes, that would also include getting married to the man of my dreams.)
I started putting a lot of things into perspective, suddenly. It's amazing, how one day you realize the lectures your parents gave you once upon a time start applying to each scenario you live through. The "I told you so's" start haunting your nightmares and you start REGRETTING things. (A new feeling that I've come to terms with. The hard way.)
I know for a fact that I regret a butt load of things. (Save your sex jokes for later.) Handling relationships, for example. Every bond that I've created with another human being has had at least a 2 year warranty (Three, if I'm really lucky. Four, if that person is imaginary.) Not particularly a good thing. (My father thinks I have no friends and keeps buying me more books and games.)
I feel powerless when it comes to that. Yes. One of my biggest weaknesses is not allowing myself to completely trust another human being. Which in turn brings out the immature, selfish moron in me.
I think growing up involves a lot of sacrifice. The main being shedding the immaturity that you've held on to (And added to..) ever since you turned 4 and learned that a tantrum can get you that shine-y thing on the table. Also, I've realized, that it takes a lot of testicular possession to admit to your mistakes and be the bigger person. Something that's not so vehemently obvious in my case. It's there though. In bits and pieces.
None the less, I'll take this growing-up weirdness one day at a time. One mistake at a time.
Starting with telling my mum about what REALLY happen to her favorite vase..
