Your Mother, Good Sir!

Yo momma jokes. You love 'em, you hate 'em, you want to slather creme on 'em and feed 'em to yo momma. ('Cuz she's fat like that.) We ALL have a soft spot for them.

ANYWAY. Since I haven't been nice enough to barf out something tasteful for my none-existent readers last month, and also, since college has turned me into a fast food inhaling, cussing zombie, leaving me feeling the least creative I have felt in the LONGEST time, my dear friend Amit and I collectively came up with Yo Momma jokes. Old news? Yeah, thought so.

BUT HERE'S THE THING. We're Potter fans. And we have incorporated Yo Momma jokes (I know, it's not new, but there are some really creative ones in there.) with Harry Potter!

Now mind you, it's explicit. So if you're a child or are soft hearted like blue cheese, avert your eyes, human! Because this shit just progressively got serious. (Psh not really.)

• Yo momma so fat, she got put in ALL the houses.
• Yo momma's so fat, that her patronus is a cake.
• Your momma's so stupid she thinks patronus is a tequila brand
• Yo momma's so ugly, that even a Dementor wouldn't kiss her.
• Your momma's the reason Dumbledore's gay.
• Yo momma's so fat that she tried to eat Cornelius Fudge.
• Your momma's so fat, the dementors cant suck out her soul in one sitting.
• Yo momma's so fat, that she got sorted into all four houses.
• Your momma's so fat, they call her "she-who-shall-not-be-naked"
• Yo momma's so fat, that when she faces boggarts, they turn into treadmills.
• Your momma's so smelly, Bertie Bott made her a jelly bean flavour.
• Yo momma's so ugly, Quirrell thought SHE was the troll in the dungeon.
• Your momma's so fat, her wand's core is a creme filling.
• Yo momma's so fat, that her wands are licorice
• Your mommas so ugly, she turned the basilisk to Stone.
• Yo momma so rancid, that even Sir Nick could smell her form beyond the grave.
• Your momma's so old, she gave Nicholas Flamel his first kiss.
• Yo momma's so hairy, she gave Hagrid a complex.
• Wingardium leviosa couldn't lift your mom
• Gwarp couldn't lift your mom.
• The original forbidden forest belonged to your mom
• Yo momma's voice so nasty, that when she sings or talks, even mermish sounds like a symphony to a wizard's ears.
• Your momma's so fat, she sees ham in the mirror of erised
• Yo momma's so fat, that she needs an enlargement charm to be cast on the mirror of erised, just so that she can see her face
• Your momma's so ugly, her siblings needed to be confunded, so they would play with her
• Yo momma's so dirty, that even house elves wouldn't clean her. She's so fat, even, that they'd probably die before they finish their job.
• Your momma's so stupid, she drowned in a pensieve.
• Yo momma so fat, that she had her own house table.
• Your momma's fat, the great hall was her dormitory.
• Yo momma's so fat, Hagrid mistook her for Gwarp.
• Your mommas so fat, she ate the death eaters  
• Yo momma's so scary, that even Fenrir Greyback shits his pants when he sees her.
• Your momma's so fat, that Harry, Ron, and Hermione camped on her legs in the seventh book.
• Yo momma's so fat, she needed an industrial burner to use the flo network. (Okay that needs work)
• Your momma's so fat, her vaginas attached to the flo network.
• Yo momma's so fat, the Whomping Willow broke in half when she crashed into it.
• Your momma's so smelly, not even dobby would take her sock
• Yo momma's so stinky, she puts dung bombs to shame.
• Your momma's so ugly, Lockhart wrote a book about looking at her
• Yo momma's so ugly, that Newt Scarmander wrote a book about  how NOT to her.
• Your momma's so fat, he spent years searching for her, on her back.

SO. There you have it, ladies and gentlemen! Hope you enjoyed it. And if it has offended you in any way, please feel free to jump off a cliff because I give a flying Thestral. Amit, we should come up with more. We've left this all empty and blank like the back of a bald man's head.

Here's his blog, please do check it out. Show him some love, people! (Please don't send him naked pictures of yourself.. WHAT. I'm TRYING to be FUNNY. #foreveralone)

Subscribe, read my old posts, eat some cookies, and go skin a Kesha fan. Have a lazy Sunday!

30 Days To Twenty.

I now have a month's worth of being a teenager. Yes. It is the 15th of July, 2012. I have never felt so dejected. EVER. (I have actually, come to think of it. When they stopped selling Maltesers at the stores we frequent. My heart sunk, and I stood outside their door looking like a lost lunatic, repeatedly accusing the owners to have sold their souls to the devil.)

I can't help but wonder, (Yes, it's going to be a boring post about my stupidity.) WHAT have I achieved in my teenage years? (I've had a very depressing Sunday. Give me a break.) Have I ticked off everything in my "To-do-before-Twenty" list?

Psh. NO.

How do I look at turning 20? I mean, is this my chance to finally grow up? Or just stay that stupid, reckless 16yr old who never got tired of late nights and Snicker dinners? (Yes I know I posted this whole blog about the whole mature thing but BLARRRG, okay? Okay.) I hate growing up. I hate what my ego's become. And I HATE hating.

I come face-to-face with that dorky looking 16yr old from time to time and she tilts her head slightly to the right and asks me: What have you achieved, in the last four years?

I've fallen in love, and then fallen MADLY in love. I've made friends and lost so many more. I've gotten over my stage fright and added to my uncontrollable fear of spiders and relationships. I've broken my bones and vases and windows and phones. I've given away books and bought more and more and more. And I've forgotten how to dream about my future.

And when I look at that 16yr old and TELL her that, the IDIOT SMILES at me, and says: It's all good, maaaan. Chill out, no? (Small comforts count, eh?) 

I need to punch Bieber.

I need to do something stupid. I think I'll set the curtains on fire again.