Have you been wondering what it would be like to be single again? Tired of the old "ball-and-chain"? Want to finally throw away that "relationship" your girlfriend thinks you've "built together"? Well have I got the solution for you!
Just follow these simple little steps and you'll get rid of that whiny sod that hung around you for years together and claimed to "love" you, in NO time!
1. "It's not you baby, it's me.": Always a classic. And mind you, us girls are amazingly knock-your-socks-off stupid enough to believe that! Hold her hand to add the effect of feeling really sorry for her. Don't look her straight in the eye. Instead, avoid it like you'd avoid the Basilisk's gaze. And if you must, insist that SHE'S too good for you.
2. The Best Friend: Reach out for the closest girl around you- one you've just met even- and claim her to be your best friend. Then you cheat on your cumbersome current girlfriend WITH said BFF and proclaim to the world that your 9 month old BFF knows you way better that your girlfriend does, on your 2nd anniversary. Works like a charm!
3. Douche Cruise: When we say "treat us like princesses" we didn't mean that! Oh LORDY no! Start off with treating her like a delicate piece of satin that fell off the Queen's behind. THEN you start treating her like absolute dirt. Call her "wench" even. Treat her like the rag you think she is!
4. Paranoid Android: See her talking to another boy? ACCUSE HER OF CHEATING! See her talking to her male professor? ACCUSE HER OF CHEATING! See her talking to her cousin? ACCUSE HER OF CHEATING! See her talking to her dad? ACCUSE HER OF CHEATING! See her talking to her dog? ACCUSE HER OF CHEATING!
5. The Gut Wrenching Story: "My sweet darling. You are the light that shone up my ass crack when the times were rough. But, my sweet petunia dipped in honey, we must break up. I haven't told you, but my balls are easily susceptible to breakage when I see your moonshine face. We must break up on account of me being too fragile to handle your chocolate glazed glory. Goodbye.. My.. LOVE."
You get the drift.
6. Crowded Room: Blame her for crowding you and constantly badgering you with her "Good morning!" message that you receive at the beginning of the day. Tell her that you need your space because you cannot STAND receiving her FOUR messages during the course of the day.
7. Empty Room: Tell her that she ignores you. Blame her for being too hostile. Then go sit with your other friends in class and badmouth her from across the room.
8. The Mother: This one is just too easy. Just tell your mother how wonderful you think she is and she will automatically try to shield her baby from the troll that's trying to steal her precious boy away from her bosom of motherly love. And if you're really lucky, your mother is racially biased, and your girlfriend is dark skinned.
9. "I'm not ready for a relationship": Celebrating your three-year anniversary in another week? Tell her you're not ready yet! Ready for what? A relationship, silly! Give her grief about how you're not in the right state of mind to be in a three year long, steady relationship. And then, add a dramatic sniff.
10. Ignorance Is Bliss: Ignore her! Imagine that she died and went to a better (hell) place. Tell your friends that you don't know where she's gone to. Tell HER friends that you don't know who they're talking about. And when she finally pin points your location and confronts you about ignoring her? Tell her to sod off, and use tactic number 9.
More creative ways to end the relationship are: Cheat on her with her best friend, her cousin, or even her sister!
There you have it! Some very useful and tactical ways of breaking up with your girlfriend! Remember, it's fun to break someone's heart into a million little pieces and toss it around like confetti!
Just follow these simple little steps and you'll get rid of that whiny sod that hung around you for years together and claimed to "love" you, in NO time!
1. "It's not you baby, it's me.": Always a classic. And mind you, us girls are amazingly knock-your-socks-off stupid enough to believe that! Hold her hand to add the effect of feeling really sorry for her. Don't look her straight in the eye. Instead, avoid it like you'd avoid the Basilisk's gaze. And if you must, insist that SHE'S too good for you.
2. The Best Friend: Reach out for the closest girl around you- one you've just met even- and claim her to be your best friend. Then you cheat on your cumbersome current girlfriend WITH said BFF and proclaim to the world that your 9 month old BFF knows you way better that your girlfriend does, on your 2nd anniversary. Works like a charm!
3. Douche Cruise: When we say "treat us like princesses" we didn't mean that! Oh LORDY no! Start off with treating her like a delicate piece of satin that fell off the Queen's behind. THEN you start treating her like absolute dirt. Call her "wench" even. Treat her like the rag you think she is!
4. Paranoid Android: See her talking to another boy? ACCUSE HER OF CHEATING! See her talking to her male professor? ACCUSE HER OF CHEATING! See her talking to her cousin? ACCUSE HER OF CHEATING! See her talking to her dad? ACCUSE HER OF CHEATING! See her talking to her dog? ACCUSE HER OF CHEATING!
5. The Gut Wrenching Story: "My sweet darling. You are the light that shone up my ass crack when the times were rough. But, my sweet petunia dipped in honey, we must break up. I haven't told you, but my balls are easily susceptible to breakage when I see your moonshine face. We must break up on account of me being too fragile to handle your chocolate glazed glory. Goodbye.. My.. LOVE."
You get the drift.
6. Crowded Room: Blame her for crowding you and constantly badgering you with her "Good morning!" message that you receive at the beginning of the day. Tell her that you need your space because you cannot STAND receiving her FOUR messages during the course of the day.
7. Empty Room: Tell her that she ignores you. Blame her for being too hostile. Then go sit with your other friends in class and badmouth her from across the room.
8. The Mother: This one is just too easy. Just tell your mother how wonderful you think she is and she will automatically try to shield her baby from the troll that's trying to steal her precious boy away from her bosom of motherly love. And if you're really lucky, your mother is racially biased, and your girlfriend is dark skinned.
9. "I'm not ready for a relationship": Celebrating your three-year anniversary in another week? Tell her you're not ready yet! Ready for what? A relationship, silly! Give her grief about how you're not in the right state of mind to be in a three year long, steady relationship. And then, add a dramatic sniff.
10. Ignorance Is Bliss: Ignore her! Imagine that she died and went to a better (hell) place. Tell your friends that you don't know where she's gone to. Tell HER friends that you don't know who they're talking about. And when she finally pin points your location and confronts you about ignoring her? Tell her to sod off, and use tactic number 9.
More creative ways to end the relationship are: Cheat on her with her best friend, her cousin, or even her sister!
There you have it! Some very useful and tactical ways of breaking up with your girlfriend! Remember, it's fun to break someone's heart into a million little pieces and toss it around like confetti!
~Fin~
Douche Cruise.
ReplyDelete